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| Who Everybody Is: DANIELLE/DANNI: my 17-year-old sis
STEPHEN/STEVE: my 15-year-old lil bro
SKY: my 21-year-old brother
WHITNEY: his wife
ANDREA/ANDI: his ex, lived w/us for 3 years and is now family, lives in WA now :(
ROB: her boyfriend
KRISTINA: my roommate of over a year and best friend of about 5 years, was in my classes, same high school.
NICK: her boyfriend/fiance and friend of everybody
BRANDY: my OTHER best friend of about 5 years, went to high school together.
RAY: her boy toy, friend of everybody
JESS/JESSICA: my OTHER bestest friend of almost a year whom I met on the net. She lives in Arizona :(, but will soon be joining us and live in Tulsa (YAY!!!).
DANIEL/DANNY BOY/CHERUB: The baby boy I nanny for during the day, 5 days a week, 9 hours a day, 45 hours a week... He's a handful but he's beautiful and so happy and even tempered most of the time.
ROXIE/ROXANN: worked w/me at Braum's and later at the Jamaican restaurant. I've known her a year. She cracks me up.
ANNA: worked w/me at the Jamaican restaurant. We hang out and talk whenever we can.
LIBBY: My friend from high school. She was born autistic and she is one of the craziest, goofiest people I know. (lib, you know i mean that in the most complimentary of ways, lol) She's 6ft tall and now has pink hair. *smile* She has the most AMAZING artwork. Check it out under "linx"
JASE/JASON: Jason K... I know TWO Jasons online from Pennsylvania. Jase is prob'ly the coolest guy I know. He's funny and honest and so down to earth. He's a cutie and a sweetie and still, unlike so many other people who possess his characteristics, he uses it for good instead of evil. Jase, you rawk. MWAH! *blows kisses*
KATE: She's a Saxon (whatever that is, lol) from Essex England. She makes me laugh till I am rendered totally breathless and shrieking with laughter... She's teaching me about British slang and cricket and the injustice of Posh Spice's marriage to that one guy... *smile* I love ya, Kate...
KAYDE: You weirdo... She's 15, lives in Indiana. Strange that she talks like a bit of a redneck. I thought that being that far north, she'd be immune to it. This girl is crude and blunt and to the point and I wouldn't have it any other way because she makes me laugh. :P Things 2 Know Bout Me OCCUPATION: I'm a nanny 45 hrs a week, taking care of Daniel, and a sales associate @ Gordman's (dept. store) about 20 hrs a week
EDUCATION: graduated high school in May of 2000, taking 1 class @ Tulsa Community College
DOB: 1/22/1982 (I'm 19)
RESIDENCE: In a HOUSE on my own w/a roommate in Tulsa, Oklahoma
HEIGHT: 5"6 or 5"7
HAIR: Short, brown, and naturally wavy
EYES: Blue Stuff I Like: Movies:
Detroit Rock City
The Yellow Submarine
Head (the Monkees movie, NOT a porno you freak)
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Bands:
(The SMALLEST list I can give)
Hanson (yes, SPAZZ, I said HANSON... Problem? Too f*ckin bad)
Fiona Apple
Pearl Jam
Nirvana
The Beatles
Mathew Good Band (big in Canada, but not here)
The Monkees
Pink
Nelly Furtado
Fleetwood Mac
Janis Joplin
Jimi Hendrix
Led Zeppelin
Alicia Keys
Lauryn Hill
Jewel
Nikka Costa
No Doubt
Coalchamber
Admiral Twin (PUHLEEEZE check them out... It won't KILL you. I SWEAR! There's a link to CDnow.com on my "contact me" page that will take you where you need to go. All you have to do is search "Admiral Twin" and the cd "Mock Heroic" will come up. If you don't like it, write me and tell me, I'll feel really bad *sarcasm*, but give it a CHANCE! They DESERVE more exposure)
Songs:
"Never Is A Promise" Fiona Apple
"A Song to Sing" Hanson
"Rhiannon" Fleetwood Mac
"Stairway to Heaven" Led Zeppelin
"Me and Bobby McGee" Janis Joplin
"Adrian" Jewel
"Down" Admiral Twin
Things To Do:
read, write, listen to music, sing, swim, dive, play with my little cherub and make him laugh. *smile* He's not technically mine, but he's mine. You'll see... In "Poetry"
People I Admire:
My mother
Maya Angelou
Jewel
Janis Joplin
Fiona Apple
Rudy Guliani ;) Some of Maya Angelou's Poems: "Phenomenal Woman"
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
"Still I Rise"
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
"Men"
When I was young, I used to
Watch behind the curtains
As men walked up and down the street. Wino men, old men.
Young men sharp as mustard.
See them. Men are always
Going somewhere.
They knew I was there. Fifteen
Years old and starving for them.
Under my window, they would pauses,
Their shoulders high like the
Breasts of a young girl,
Jacket tails slapping over
Those behinds,
Men.
One day they hold you in the
Palms of their hands, gentle, as if you
Were the last raw egg in the world. Then
They tighten up. Just a little. The
First squeeze is nice. A quick hug.
Soft into your defenselessness. A little
More. The hurt begins. Wrench out a
Smile that slides around the fear. When the
Air disappears,
Your mind pops, exploding fiercely, briefly,
Like the head of a kitchen match. Shattered.
It is your juice
That runs down their legs. Staining their shoes.
When the earth rights itself again,
And taste tries to return to the tongue,
Your body has slammed shut. Forever.
No keys exist.
Then the window draws full upon
Your mind. There, just beyond
The sway of curtains, men walk.
Knowing something.
Going someplace.
But this time, I will simply
Stand and watch.
Maybe.
"Remembrance"
Your hands easy
weight, teasing the bees
hived in my hair, your smile at the
slope of my cheek. On the
occasion, you press
above me, glowing, spouting
readiness, mystery rapes
my reason
When you have withdrawn
your self and the magic, when
only the smell of your
love lingers between
my breasts, then, only
then, can I greedily consume
your presence.
"Conceit"
Give me your hand
Make room for me
to lead and follow
you
beyond this rage of poetry.
Let others have
the privacy of
touching words
and love of loss
of love.
For me
Give me your hand.
"Touched by an Angel"
We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.
Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.
We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.
"Passing Time"
Your skin like dawn
Mine like musk
One paints the beginning
of a certain end.
The other, the end of a
sure beginning.
"Refusal"
Beloved,
In what other lives or lands
Have I known your lips
Your Hands
Your Laughter brave
Irreverent.
Those sweet excesses that
I do adore.
What surety is there
That we will meet again,
On other worlds some
Future time undated.
I defy my body's haste.
Without the promise
Of one more sweet encounter
I will not deign to die
"The Lesson"
I keep on dying again.
Veins collapse, opening like the
Small fists of sleeping
Children.
Memory of old tombs,
Rotting flesh and worms do
Not convince me against
The challenge. The years
And cold defeat live deep in
Lines along my face.
They dull my eyes, yet
I keep on dying,
Because I love to live.
"I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
P free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.
But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hillfor the caged bird
sings of freedom
The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
"When You Come"
When you come to me, unbidden,
Beckoning me
To long-ago rooms,
Where memories lie.
Offering me, as to a child, an attic,
Gatherings of days too few.
Baubles of stolen kisses.
Trinkets of borrowed loves.
Trunks of secret words,
I CRY.
"The Rock Cries Out To Us Today"
A Rock, A River, A Tree
Hosts to species long since departed,
Mark the mastodon.
The dinosaur, who left dry tokens
Of their sojourn here
On our planet floor,
Any broad alarm of their of their hastening doom
Is lost in the gloom of dust and ages.
But today, the Rock cries out to us, clearly, forcefully,
Come, you may stand upon my
Back and face your distant destiny,
But seek no haven in my shadow.
I will give you no hiding place down here.
You, created only a little lower than
The angels, have crouched too long in
The bruising darkness,
Have lain too long
Face down in ignorance.
Your mouths spelling words
Armed for slaughter.
The rock cries out today, you may stand on me,
But do not hide your face.
Across the wall of the world,
A river sings a beautiful song,
Come rest here by my side.
Each of you a bordered country,
Delicate and strangely made proud,
Yet thrusting perpetually under siege.
Your armed struggles for profit
Have left collars of waste upon
My shore, currents of debris upon my breast.
Yet, today I call you to my riverside,
If you will study war no more.
Come, clad in peace and I will sing the songs
The Creator gave to me when I
And the tree and stone were one.
Before cynicism was a bloody sear across your brow
And when you yet knew you still knew nothing.
The river sings and sings on.
There is a true yearning to respond to
The singing river and the wise rock.
So say the Asian, the Hispanic, the Jew,
The African and Native American, the Sioux,
The Catholic, the Muslim, the French, the Greek,
The Irish, the Rabbi, the Priest, the Sheikh,
The Gay, the Straight, the Preacher,
The privileged, the homeless, the teacher.
They hear. They all hear
The speaking of the tree.
Today, the first and last of every tree
Speaks to humankind. Come to me, here beside the river.
Plant yourself beside me, here beside the river.
Each of you, descendant of some passed on
Traveller, has been paid for.
You, who gave me my first name,
You Pawnee, Apache and Seneca,
You Cherokee Nation, who rested with me,
Then forced on bloody feet,
Left me to the employment of other seekers--
Desperate for gain, starving for gold.
You, the Turk, the Swede, the German, the Scot...
You the Ashanti, the Yoruba, the Kru,
Bought, sold, stolen, arriving on a nightmare
Praying for a dream.
Here, root yourselves beside me.
I am the tree planted by the river,
Which will not be moved.
I, the rock, I the river, I the tree
I am yours--your passages have been paid.
Lift up your faces, you have a piercing need
For this bright morning dawning for you.
History, despite its wrenching pain,
Cannot be unlived, and if faced with courage,
Need not be lived again.
Lift up your eyes upon
The day breaking for you.
Give birth again
To the dream.
Women, children, men,
Take it into the palms of your hands.
Mold it into the shape of your most
Private need. Sculpt it into
The image of your most public self.
Lift up your hearts.
Each new hour holds new chances
For new beginnings.
Do not be wedded forever
To fear, yoked eternally
To brutishness.
The horizon leans forward,
Offering you space to place new steps of change.
Here, on the pulse of this fine day
You may have the courage
To look up and out upon me,
The rock, the river, the tree, your country.
No less to Midas than the mendicant.
No less to you now than the mastodon then.
Here on the pulse of this new day
You may have the grace to look up and out
And into your sister's eyes,
Into your brother's face, your country
And say simply
Very simply
With hope
Good morning.
"The Million Man March Poem"
The night has been long,
The wound has been deep,
The pit has been dark,
And the walls have been steep.
Under a dead blue sky on a distant beach,
I was dragged by my braids just beyond your reach.
Your hands were tied, your mouth was bound,
You couldn't even call out my name.
You were helpless and so was I,
But unfortunately throughout history
You've worn a badge of shame.
I say, the night has been long,
The wound has been deep,
The pit has been dark
And the walls have been steep.
But today, voices of old spirit sound
Speak to us in words profound,
Across the years, across the centuries,
Across the oceans, and across the seas.
They say, draw near to one another,
Save your race.
You have been paid for in a distant place,
The old ones remind us that slavery's chains
Have paid for our freedom again and again.
The night has been long,
The pit has been deep,
The night has been dark,
And the walls have been steep.
The hells we have lived through and live through still,
Have sharpened our senses and toughened our will.
The night has been long.
This morning I look through your anguish
Right down to your soul.
I know that with each other we can make ourselves whole.
I look through the posture and past your disguise,
And see your love for family in your big brown eyes.
I say, clap hands and let's come together in this meeting ground,
I say, clap hands and let's deal with each other with love,
I say, clap hands and let us get from the low road of indifference,
Clap hands, let us come together and reveal our hearts,
Let us come together and revise our spirits,
Let us come together and cleanse our souls,
Clap hands, let's leave the preening
And stop impostering our own history.
Clap hands, call the spirits back from the ledge,
Clap hands, let us invite joy into our conversation,
Courtesy into our bedrooms,
Gentleness into our kitchen,
Care into our nursery.
The ancestors remind us, despite the history of pain
We are a going-on people who will rise again.
And still we rise. |
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| The following is an independent expression of things going on in my life as well as the rest of the world, or just things that are on my mind. It helps me to write. Saturday 1/26/02
Well, I don't have to wash my face before I go to bed tonight... After watching all of I Am Sam, I don't have a hint of makeup left anywhere on my face. I cried it all off... Yes, I went to yet ANOTHER movie where I bawled my girlie little eyes out in public. Not only did I cry. I started crying about 30 minutes into the movie, and I didn't stop till the end. And the soundtrack... OOOOH! All Beatles songs, but not done by the Beatles, they're covers. Done by some of my favorite people in the world. Sheryl Crow, Eddie Vedder, Ben Folds, Sarah Mclachlan, The Wallflowers, and Rufus Wainright... Oh... I LOVE it...
And Kristina almost made me cry AFTER the movie. All through it, I'd been saying, "Is that Sheryl Crow?" "Is that Eddie Vedder?" "Oh my god! That's Rufus Wainright!" "I HAVE to buy this soundtrack!" and Kristina's just sitting there going, "Yeah... uh-huh..." And then, at the end, as I'm wiping my face, I say, "Man, I REALLY need to get that soundtrack," again and she goes, "You know what?" and pulls a CD out of her bag, "Happy Birthday."
My jaw drops just a little and I look it over and see "I Am Sam" on the front. She bought me the soundtrack before I even saw the movie. "I knew you'd like it. I knew you'd say, 'I want that soundtrack'. I know you before you do. So I bought it." *smile* God, I have the best friends in the WORLD...
I've been holding my snake. I still can't decide what to name her, but I've been taking votes. It's going to be Pink, Sweetie, Sarah, or Gwen. So far I have one vote for Gwen and one for Sarah. I'm keeping track of who I ask and what they vote for, because I'm soooo terrible at making decisions.
I bought some sand chips (I'm not too sure why they're called that, but the pet store guy said they were perfect for snakes) for her, and she's currently burrowing happily under them with her little hidebox. I saw her drinking today. I could see her little mouth expanding and shrinking as she swallowed. *smile* It just makes me really happy to see that she likes where she is because I was worried about her being lonely or not adjusting well to her new surroundings. And Kristina and Nick held her. Nick kept letting her crawl up to his eyebrows and get to his hair and I had to get her from him because I don't want her to fall off of his head or anything. I baby everybody. Why should my pets be any different?
She's just beautiful and charming and I love her. I love watching her and holding her and seeing that she's happy. It makes me happy. ;) Friday 1/25/02
I'm listening to that song nobody likes but me... and Jess... and maybe a few thousand, er... million other people. :D But nobody around here but me... ;)
Today, I got more of my ebay stuff in the mail... The single for 4 Nonblondes "What's Up?" and OMG! The German single for "I Will Come to You"... And OH MY GOD! There's two songs I've never heard before on it. Well, 2 versions of two songs I HAVE heard before that I haven't heard before... lol... I'm sorry if I fail to make sense... If you knew me, you'd be used to it by now, lol...
Anyway, on this lovely, lovely, LOVELY *licks the case* CD... Ahem... There's of COURSE "I Will Come to You", and then "Cried", which this CD refers to as "Cry"... I don't know which is right but I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be "Cried", cuz that's what's in the song so much, and cuz that's what it says on the tape version of the single. ANYWAY... The point is... On this beautiful compact disc is a version of "Madeline" I've never heard and a version of "Mmmbop" that I've never heard, and I've heard SOOOO many different versions of "Mmmbop"... so that's a BIG deal to me... I'm loving it... It's really accoustic and old and it's just soooo nice...
Today was Daniel's birthday... ;) He was SOOOO cute... We took him to have his handprint and footprint bronzed for his dad for Father's Day and then to get his picture taken at Moto Photo and they made him put on this little black bowtie and take off his clothes down to his diaper... He looked like a Chippendales midget... Lol... Such a dawl that boy is...
And then, when I got to the house tonight to give him his present, everybody was laughing hysterically and I followed the laughter into the kitchen where Mr. Daniel was sitting in his highchair looking like he'd just bathed in chocolate... He was giggling up a storm and the only white I could see on him was the whites of his eyes... I asked what happened and his mom said, "I let him eat it the way he wanted to eat it." and giggled. They were all taking pictures. ;) It was ever so cute.
I remember the day he was born... Seems so soon to be a year... I still can see him only about as long as my forearm, cradled in my arms, sleeping with his eyes scrunched tight, absolutely drowning in his clothes because he was too tiny for EVERYTHING... *sigh* Now I REALLY feel like his mother.
I got my snake. :D Yep, yep... I still can't decide what to name her. I've narrowed it down to Tootse, Sweetie, Pink, and Gwen, I think. I can't decide...
Well, my energy is winding down, so I'm going to go now. ZZZzzz... Thursday 1/24/02
I'm sitting in a Denny's at 9:30pm with Anna, Ashley, and Corine... I just met Ashley, and although she's obviously on crack, I think I sort of like her. Anna's doing all she can to keep from going insane from the two of us, bantering back and forth about total crap and being loud and laughing. And Corine's sort of in-between. I've met her before. She's a nice person mostly. We don't click very well, but we get along and laugh together when we're out with Anna.
Corine turns to me, in mid-laugh, and looks down at my shirt. Her eyes get kinda big and she looks a bit shocked. "DUDE, you're wearing a Hanson shirt."
I find it so comical that she says this like an actual informative statement that I feel the need to play it up. I look down at my shirt and gasp. I pull at it in disbelief, seemingly to make sure that it really was a Hanson shirt. And loudly, rather believably too, I say, "HOLY SH*T! YOU'RE RIGHT!!!"
She actually thinks I'm serious and that I really didn't realize I was wearing a shirt with Hanson on it and then I find that too funny to withstand. I start laughing. Then she gets the serious look on her face again and goes, "Oh, my God... You did it on purpose?"
I go on laughing... "Wanna see something even sicker?" I ask.
She raises an eyebrow.
"Look at this." I hold out my left hand, and on my pinky finger is the silver ring with the Hanson symbol on it that Jessica gave me on her first visit. I grin.
"Oh my God... That IS sick..."
I laugh more... Conversation turns to something else. It's forgotten, to them.
I love that... I truly do. There was a time when I might've felt slightly insecure about it, but now, I thrive on it. I love being a smartass. I love having people look at me and think something totally wrong based on my shirt. I just feed off of their assumptions and love knowing that I'm living proof that whatever they're thinking is so off... I just love it... It's hard to explain.
Kate called me today. *grin* She scared the crap out of me, and at first, I thought it was my sister, doing an English accent. Then when I realized she hadn't called me a whore or a bitch or anything yet, I realized it wasn't my sister, and was, in fact, my good friend Kate from Harlow... ;) We talked for hours. My cordless phone even died once and I had to plug the frog phone in, and even still, she called me back and the conversation went on for another thirty minutes or so, until I had to get ready to go meet Anna.
I love talking to Kate because she makes me laugh till I can't breathe. I'll never stop laughing at one thing in particular that she greeted me with when she called me back after my phone died... lol... She knows what it was... I don't feel the need to put it here. And of course, there's our constant insulting of each other's countries and pronunciation of certain words...
"You just said 'to-mah-to'!"
"And I suppose you say 'to-may-to'?"
"Yes... All us bassackwards Yanks say 'to-may-to'!"
And then she tries to get me to say "arse" and I just CAN'T say it right.. We've worked it out where it sounds something like "ahss"... But I could already say it in a British accent, I just never could say it in my own... It's the r and the s... They trip me up for some reason...
Well, I'm ever so tired... Goodnight. ZZZzzzz.... Wednesday 1/23/02
Well, I'm officially 20 years old... Doesn't really feel much different. And I'm already thinking about next year. Probably because nothing really happened. Although the curse of things that go wrong on my birthday was seemingly broken this year, nothing really spectacular happened either. Kristina barely even saw me. She spent the night before at Nick's house and that night too, which sort of hurt me because she only saw me for about 30 minutes the entire day and said Happy Birthday and then went off with Nick... I try not to be too dramatic about it, but I just feel like she should've made some sort of effort. I didn't want a present or anything, but we'd always made each other something when we didn't have any money in years before. Sort of felt like most people blew me off. My brother and Whitney didn't even call me, but I'm pretty sure that's because they wanted to avoid having to buy me something or get me a card, and they didn't come to my parents' because they were both working. Kristina's mom gave me money, which is always nice, but I kind of hate that because I needed it, so of course, I'm not going to spend it on things I want, like a camera or something. Since I'm broke, I spent it on groceries, toilet paper, and a present for Daniel. Happy Birthday to me indeed. Yippy skippy...
I'm not bitter though. I really am not... It was a good day and I was very thankful for no catastrophies. No traffic fines, no boys breaking my heart, no family fued... Just a normal day. And my mommy made me a cake because she's the best mommy in the whole entire world, and, as such, she makes the best cakes in the world. ;) I got to pick what movie we watched. Jessica called me and I smiled just hearing her voice telling me Happy Birthday on the phone. We chatted online. People went to my message board and posted "Happy Birthday" messages. Jessica's mom even told me Happy Birthday when I tried to call her back. ;) And Daniel was sweet as can be because, although he can't say Happy Birthday yet, I think he knew. *nods* And he ate all of his food and didn't scream at me or cry and we watched Spongebob together at 4:00 as usual. He laughed and waved his arms high in the air when I sang along with the song.
So it was a good day, and it's not really over yet because my mom wants to have a sort of family party thing this weekend, and if he comes, my brother will be forced to tell me Happy Birthday and get me at least a card or something... Although I should have expected as much out of him, I never get used to him blowing me off on important days... He didn't come to my graduation... Last year he dropped off a stuffed animal and didn't even tell me Happy Birthday. I never blow him off on his birthday or at Christmas... Ever... I guess it's stupid of me to expect out of other people as much as I give to them, especially my own brother.
I got off subject... More birthday stuff: I'm getting my snake on Friday. Kristina's mom gave me the okay today and I went and bought the top for the aquarium and some frozen pinkies (tiny baby mice, sad, I know, but at least they're not going to be eaten alive). I can't wait to bring her home. Jessica's sending me something in the mail that's a surprise (the best kind of present, in my opinion...). And Kristina got me an iron-on patch of Mike Nesmith (my favorite Monkee) with the words "Nez for Prez" written across the bottom. She bought it on ebay and it should be arriving in the mail shortly.
Well, I'm beat... I think I'll go see what everybody else is doing. ;) Nothing better to do when you should be in bed. :D Monday 1/21/02
Something severely f*cked up has happened to my computer and my yahoo and hotmail accounts have been deleted, as well as the message board on this site... If you want to get in touch with me, email me at schizohippie@hotmail.com or leave me a message in my guestbook... I don't know who did it yet and I doubt I ever will...
My address books and friend list were all deleted, so if you were on it before, PLEASE leave a message for me in my guestbook. If you don't want the whole world knowing your email or screen name, make it a private entry... I don't wanna lose any of you.
I'm turning 20 tomorrow... I'm convinced there's a curse on my birthday which makes it suck consistently and has been making it suck for the past 10 years or so. In fact, I can't remember one good birthday... The best one was when I was 17 and went to the Winter Ball and everybody sang to me, but even that was bittersweet because it was the same night Brandy totalled her first car and we were supposed to have done a lot more stuff and it all got sh*t on by my bad luck... I probably only really believe about half of what i'm saying... I don't know...
I'm TOTALLY through with Justin for good. I'm serious this time. He has pissed me off too much just tonight and I'm not taking his crap anymore... He can rot in hell. I hope he reads this too, and I hope he sends more of his little goons after me because my new ignore list is so empty right now.
*sigh* Sh*t... I gotta go... Saturday 1/19/02
I didn't sleep last night. I fell asleep yesterday evening at about 9:30 and woke up around 10:30... Then when I got home (I was at my parents' house), I was WIDE awake... I couldn't go back to sleep for ANYTHING... *sigh* So I took a shower, still not tired, got online, talked to Libby some. Ended up talking to her for hours until the sun came up, then got dressed and went to her house.
We went to pet shops. :D I went to three pet stores today and held 2 rather large snakes (a Ball Python and a cornsnake) before finally putting a $10 deposit on a baby Albino Snow Cornsnake... She's beautiful. She's only about 10 weeks old and about 10-12 inches long, which sounds like it's big, but it isn't because it's a slender little snake. She's really pale off-white with large light pink spots and markings all over her and she has pink eyes...
This is what I know about the snake... She's female... They did the gender test thing for me, which is a good thing because I wouldn't know where to even look or anything. She's going to be about 4 or 5 feet long when she gets full grown which, again, SOUNDS a lot bigger than it really is... She's going to stay fairly slender and not fat like the Pythons I was eyeing... I didn't get one because they eat more, which would cost me more money and I can't afford it and the Cornsnakes are a lot prettier... Cornsnakes eat mice, just like Pythons. Right now she's eating what's called pinkies, little baby mice... I will most likely buy frozen ones to avoid having to kill them myself or letting her eat them alive or try snake sausages, an alternative to the pinkies that's slightly more humane but still meat and had to come from some animal and prolly more expensive. Everybody (Kyle, Libby, and everybody in the pet stores) tells me that Cornsnakes are the best snakes to get if you've never had a snake before. So hopefully, I won't kill it... (j/k)
Libby has an old aquarium she's going to give me for her, and a heating pad, and I just have to buy the aspen chips and pinkies... I even have a hide box and a little fake tree thing in it... ;) She's gonna be the coolest, most pampered snake in Tulsa. :D I can't decide what to name her yet... Whitney suggested Princess, and I actually kinda liked that for some reason. Maybe because she's pink and it's a snake... But then I thought about it and I want to name it something a little... I dunno... more... Like, add a name to it... Princess Gwen or something. *smile* Yes, that's nice. I don't know. I'm going to put pictures up here of her and ask you all what you think I should name her as soon as I get her.
Weird that I'm so happy about such a weird thing. Even Jess said she never figured me for a snake person. Then she said, "but there you go again, doing exactly what people don't expect..." *smile* I really didn't do this for shock value... I don't know why I decided I suddenly am in love with snakes. It does seem rather un-me, but not totally, when you think about it... I dunno... I just LOVE them now for some reason. I get that way about things. Never snakes before, but other things.
Well, I'm sniffling and sneezing up a storm, so I'm gonna go now. *sniffles and blows a kiss* Friday 1/18/02
Damn Oklahoma weather... *sigh* It did this weird thing today where it tried to snow, but then it started sleeting, and through the whole thing, this is the first time in weeks that it's been cold enough to produce snow, and since it happened suddenly, the ground was too warm for the snow to stick, so it all melted into slush the minute it hit the ground. I want some snow, dammit!
I may have my mother almost talked into getting me a snake for my birthday. :D I changed my mind about the Burmese and Ball Pythons because they're super expensive (like $80) and decided on a much cheaper, a little smaller, more variety, easier to care for cornsnake. They're only about $40. And Kyle (my other cousin, the brother of the one with the Burmese Python) said they're easier to care for. I'm gonna make him come with me if I get it.
I haven't asked Kristina about any of this yet... I don't know how she'll feel about it. Don't know if she'll see it as another pet like a dog or cat and flip out or if she's terrified of snakes or if she'll tell me I'm being childish because I can't afford to feed it (I can, but I'm going to have to budget money for food each month) or if she'll just wonder why the hell I want one or if she won't care what I do... *shrugs* I dunno...
And I'll have Kyle, the reptile doctor, to tell me all about it and tell me what I need to do for it and what I need to buy and all that crap...
Well, I'm bored and I don't have anything of interest to put in here. More later maybe. Thursday 1/17/02
Today was an interesting day. *smile* Daniel and I watched 2 episodes of Spongebob Squarepants (jeez, I mention him a lot, don't I? lol) I called Libby and we talked for a good hour or so. The girl has issues, but as usual, I wouldn't have her any other way because that's what makes her so fun to be around. ;)
My sister called at around 3:30 and said she was at the hospital. A friend of hers had had a small surgery and was being released. Dad had dropped her off that morning and now was saying he couldn't come get her. She asked if I could give her a ride. I had a full tank of gas and wanted her to hear "Strong Enough to Break" and the other Hanson songs on my tape (recorded because I don't have a CD player in the car) and hadn't seen her in a while, so I said sure.
I picked her up and we sang to the tape all the way to Amanda's. She even started to pick up the choruses of the songs she didn't know. We got there and there were too many people already there, visiting and Amanda was doped up beyond consciousness, so Danielle promised to call, we said "Get well soon" and left.
Danielle has dyed her hair again... She tried to strip the black off of it. I could've told her it was pointless, lol, but she didn't ask me... She stripped it three times and now her head looks like a giant fire. It's copper-y red all over and white blonde at the top because of her roots. Cute and looks like she did it on purpose, but not what she had in mind at all...
We went to Burger King and I bought her dinner. We talked about mom and dad and our friends. It's strange the way my sister and I talk. It's almost like we're guys when we're together. No subject is off limits and nothing is totally unhumorous. Anything is funny. For instance, one of our friends... *thinks* We'll call her Brandine. *chuckles* She revealed to my sister the other day that she has a third nipple. I'm not kidding. I'm not bullsh*ting. LOL... A THIRD NIPPLE... We've been laughing about this all day. We went through all the possibilities a third nipple brings to a person... *shakes her head* A really brainless and potty-mouthed conversation, but that's how it is with my sister when we're together.
From there, we went to my aunt's house, where my cousin brought out his 3 foot Burmese Python. I don't know what its name is. I always thought being that close to a big snake would freak me out, although I've held the little ones before and one of them (an albino grass snake) was pretty cute. But, much like his tarantula, I found the thing to be quite charming in real life. He handed it off to me slowly and assured me that it wouldn't bite me. I wasn't afraid. I liked him even. I let the thing travel up my arm to my shoulder and down my back. I could feel its little pusher thingies (pusher thingies being the technical term) gripping my arm as he slithered along. Strong guy...
Gary (my cousin) disappeared into his room with a "wait, watch this." and returned with a fat little white mouse. I begged him not to feed it to the snake... I didn't think I'd be able to watch it die. He ignored me and held the thing out to the snake by its tail. The snake slyly moved his head back and forth, sizing up his prey, and pounced on the cute little thing, taking its head into his mouth. I let out one of those pitifully girlie "oooooh!"s as he wrapped his body around the mouse and choked it with his jaws, waiting for it to stop kicking.
I thought about the life of the mouse. Whether it had had a good or bad life. Whether it had children or knew its parents. Do mice care about things like that? Or do they just run around, pooping and searching for more food and/or mates? I didn't know. I told myself it was best not to think about it with my recent tendency to cry over trivial little things, and took on a scientific perspective. It's just nature, I told myself. If the snake were in the wild, he'd be eating mice like crazy.
The mouse stopped moving and the snake waited a minute or so for extra assurance and then began to swallow it whole... I'd read about how they eat and seen it on the nature channels, but it was still quite astonishing to see him fit the whole mouse into his mouth, swallow it down the length of his body, and then just stare up at me like nothing ever happened.
He reminded me of a cat, in a way. The way he looked at me. I didn't feel threatened by him, almost felt like he was trying to cuddle with me. I liked holding him.
The fun got exciting when he crawled down the side of my body and went around to my back... I kept being paranoid that he would try to get inside my shirt and didn't want that because I'm VERY ticklish and just KNEW I'd end up jumping up and down and squash him or something. So I pulled my shirt tight at the bottom and didn't move. The end on my lap kept getting shorter and shorter. I asked my sister if she could see where he was going.
"Oh sh*t! He's in the sofa!"
"Huh?" I raised an eyebrow and looked behind me. He was crawling into the inside of the couch, his tail only sticking out about 8 inches. I grabbed his tail and held him there, but didn't want to pull him out because his scales reminded me of a cat's fur, only harder, and I knew that cats hate to be petted in the opposite direction that their hair grows, and didn't want to hurt the snake.
Gary finally turned the sofa upside down and cut the bottom of it open. He retrieved the snake and put it back in its cage, so my fun was over.
We shot the sh*t with my aunt for a while, but I couldn't handle the smoke (she, my sister, my cousin, and my other aunt all smoke and were there), so we said goodbye to them and went to my parents' house, where I dropped my sister off and came home.
Now I want a snake. I even memorized the kind of snake it is... A Burmese Python... I don't know though, because Gary says they get to be up to 22 feet at full size and they eat bunnies... :( He also told me that you can buy frozen bunnies to feed to him, so maybe I could do that... I don't know. Seems like one of those impulsive things I say I'm going to do, but maybe I'll actually do this one. I've had all kinds of pets before, but never a snake...
I'm dying for some sleep. Maybe I'll stay asleep all night this time. Goodnight. *blows kisses* Thursday 1/17/02
There are certain things I think I'll never understand. Some of them are huge, like... SEX... and then there are the little things like taxes and football and the meaning of life... There are a few things I have come to know and understand in this life, and being that I'm going to be bidding farewell to this lovely teenage existance (or the numbers, anyway) in a few days, I thought I might try and write them down... Enjoy. If nothing else, you can print it out and I'm sure it will make nice toilet reading, or, failing that... toilet paper.
1. Guys are morons... Not that we're not too. I've come to the conclusion that we speak different languages, and although we want the same things, we want different things from those things and want them for different reasons and usually at different times... Thus God making us physically compatible to create offspring together seems like a cruel joke to me.
2. The "real world" your parents were always telling you about is probably completely different from what they or anyone else in your world prepared you for verbally... It means change. It means responsibility. It means a whole new world. It's even more difficult than they led you to believe, but in a different way than you thought. I've had to give up things that I used to love. I've had to realize that I'm gonna hafta do a lot of things in my life that I'm gonna hate just to stay afloat financially and emotionally. Jobs suck... They sucked when I was in high school too, but they suck even more when you are glued to them by this fear that you won't be able to pay your bills if you don't go. I've had to lose touch with friends I used to see every day. I think that's the part that hurts the most for me. But it also sucks that I didn't get to go to school like I thought and haven't had a chance to pick up my guitar in the last 2 months or so... since I got it...
3. There's a good side to the grown up gig too... I'm doing things I never imagined I would do, or things I imagined, but only in my daydreams. I'm closer to my mom and dad and siblings. I guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder, and being gone made my sister realize that I'm a person and not just something in her way all the time who had to go and do everything first so she had to go out of her way to be the complete opposite of me in order to escape competition. I see my older brother less, which I have mixed feelings about because although I love him because he's family, I feel like he was dead to me years ago, when I stopped smoking weed and he decided I wasn't cool enough to deserve his presence or support... So it's kind of good to not have to contstantly be reminded of his corpse-like existance on a daily basis...
4. Friendships don't have to end just because you happen to grow up and have to have a real life, whatever "real life" means... You'll lose touch with some people, but you make new friends, just like in school. They may be fewer and farther between, but if you let them, they'll be there for you even more because the transition from child to adult is quite a rocky one and you'll need someone to soften the bumps.
5. Anger... It's a symptom of pain, and a catalyst for great things as well as terrible things. You can't let it rule your life, but at the same time, a nice amount of it is healthy because if you don't get angry, you won't stand up for yourself.
6. Hatred is weakness, it is draining, it is not worth the energy required to keep it up.
7. A closed mind, to me, is someone who is walking around half-alive. How can you live your life without caring to know what's outside of your little insulated bubble? I want to know everything and experience adventure and culture and emotions. I want to live.
8. There's a difference between living and surviving. Surviving is that tortured existence of living paycheck to paycheck, working a shitty job with nothing you love left in your life, simply existing to go to that job and earn the check that's never enough for anything but sustinence. It's a lousy way to be. I don't EVER want to be like that. Living is enjoying life, even if you don't have enough money, because you're doing something that makes you happy, or working toward something that will make you happy eventually. Don't strive to make ends meet, strive to be happy.
9. Charity is easier than most people would lead you to believe. If you see the guy on the side of the road with the "Will Work 4 Food" sign and you turn your nose up at him because you think he's a scam artist and he's going to spend your hard-earned money on booze, you're cold. What if you're wrong? And what's a couple of bucks to you anyway if it might help the guy out? It won't kill you and I'm a strong believer in Karma. You'll get it back in some form, and if you turn your nose up at the guy, you'll get that back too.
10. Labels suck. I'm so sick of arguing the "you don't have to be a teenybopper to love Hanson" case... I know I'm the hippie crusader who takes up every cause there is, but I really wish people would get that one already so I could move on to much more important ranting and protesting. Don't look at people and think you know them because of the way they dress or the music they listen to. I know this is hard. And the door swings both ways. You can't look at people who wear GAP clothes (as much as I think that the makers of the GAP have sold their soul to Satan) and think they are horrible people. Get to know someone before you say something like that. You could miss out on an amazing person if you pass judgement too quickly.
11. Being a virgin is neither a medal I want to wear around my neck proudly or a skeleton in my closet, and I wish people would stop treating it that way. I don't want to be the virgin Mary. I don't want people to be proud of me for not having had sex, but I'm not ashamed of it either. I'm a very open person. Although I'm not completely innocent, I am a virgin. End of discussion. I don't want your teasing and I don't want your congratulations for it. It's demeaning either way.
12. If you want something to happen so badly that it HURTS, and it doesn't look like it's in your near future, you have to MAKE it HAPPEN. You have a lot more control over your life and your world than you realize, and just deciding one day that you want things to be different is not enough. You have to sit down and think about what you can do to make things go the way you want them to. You have to try. It's not gonna happen overnight and it's not gonna happen if you don't TRY.
13. There's only so far you can go to help a person who refuses to help him/herself. Some people just want attention or just like to feel sorry for themselves. I know it sounds cruel of me, but I've been there. I've been the depressed one, and I got out of it. I know it's not easy and I know it's not something anybody else can just come up and wave a wand over you and make you super-positive person, but it can get better. Half of feeling better is wanting it and needing it. I've met too many people who take advantage of my kindness and try to use my outstretched hand as a microphone for their pity party. At the same time, you can't turn down people who desperately need your help. If you can't help them, find someone who can, or find something that can make them feel better. Help them find an outlet. BE their outlet. Just be there for them.
14. There are exceptions to every rule, and NOTHING is black and white. There's not just a whole gray area in there, there's a whole rainbow of colors and it gets more complicated every day. So you can't judge everything on the same basis. You can't go completely by the book on everything. You have to have that little bit of flexibility because the world is not clean cut and if you try to fit it into little boxes with labels, you're going to get even more confused, kind of like how my room is a mess, but at least I know where everything is. lol...
15. Accept help if you can't do it yourself. Ask for it. Be grateful for it. Don't think you're too good for it and don't expect it to come along and land in your lap.
16. If you can be the bigger person in an argument and be calm and compromise or even let the other person win if it's not that important to you, you're usually better off, especially if that person is a stubborn asshole who doesn't know how to let anything DIE...
Sorry, that last one was kind of directed at someone. But I'm not bitter. shakes her head Oh no, not me... I'm Rachael.
Okay... I think I'm done babbling... I sound like I'm writing my will, don't I? Except that I didn't will anything to anybody... And I'm not dying, but those are just minor details... Lol... I don't mean to be preachy. And I realize that some of you are older than me or my age and already know these things, but it's good to have them typed up and there because it makes me feel better...
Anyway, I'm done now. *smile* See you all later... Wednesday 1/16/02
You know, I don't mean it when I go into a man-bashing session. I really have nothing against them in general (men), but I understand why so many women/girls do after what I've been through this past year or so...
Justin decided he was "leaving" (deleting his messenger and email accounts and severing contact with all of his online friends, including me) again. He sent me an email, saying he was caught between me and Kayde (Kayde and I had an argument and he was stuck on who's side to take) and he felt like he could really do it this time, so goodbye.
For about 30 seconds, I was livid, but I didn't want another situation like our last argument because it was emotional torture. I thought about this and calm started to slide over me like a warm liquid. So I emailed him back, told him "Fine, f*ck you..." and that being friends with him had been too much work anyway. Goodbye.
An email discussion ensued, in which he sent me an email saying, "Actually, I thought I could do it, but I'm just too attached. Disregard that email."
I'm sorry. No. Not this time. This isn't a baseball game. You don't get 3 strikes. I'm not playing the game anymore. I refuse. You fool me once, shame on you... Fool me twice, shame on ME...
And just a couple of months ago, when he did it the first time, I told him I couldn't trust him anymore because I didn't know if he'd do this again, so I didn't know if I wanted to be friends anymore, and he swore to me that he'd never do this again, that he'd seen what it does to people and it hurt him too and he'd learned his lesson.
No. You've screwed up this time, bigtime, and I'm glad I'm feeling strong enough to tell you I don't want you to come back this time. I wanted to help you. I have this thing where I can't turn anyone in need away, even if they're stabbing me in the heart every five minutes. But you don't want help. You'd rather wallow in your own self pity and I'm done trying to pull you out because it was starting to pull me in.
I have this thing where I can't be mean to people, and I'm eternatlly trusting and naively optimistic... Some people take advantage of that. That's what you've done. But there comes a point when I have to think of me, because you obviously aren't.
I've reached that point. You can't just throw me away and think I'll be there waiting when you change your mind. It's game over this time. No hard feelings would be a lie because there's too much in our past and we both know it, but I'll always love you, however much it hurts. I wish you luck in life and everything you do, but I can't be your rag doll anymore. I've soaked up too much of you and it's making me sick and weighing me down.
Goodbye Justin... Monday 1/14/02
I am so emotional today... I don't know what the deal is. I slept for 3 hours last night, which is becoming the usual. It's better than none.
I woke up late. I'm supposed to be at Daniel's at 7:30am. I woke up at 7:45am... I HATE being late. I REALLY do... I threw myself out of bed, ran around like a chicken with its head cut off, putting my contacts in, threw jeans and a tshirt on...
The phone rang... I froze. I didn't want to answer it because I didn't want to face Roz (Daniel's mom), even if it was only on the phone, so I let the machine get it and ran like hell out the front door, got into my car, and put on my makeup while I tried to think of an excuse, driving closer toward the source of my dread by the second...
When I got there, there was a note on the door:
"Rachael,
I had to take Daniel with me to take Rose to school because you were not here.
Rosalyn"
I pulled it off the door as the butterflies in my stomach turned into giant bats, devouring my insides with tiny, needle-like teeth. I put my stuff down in the living room the way I always do and stood in front of the windows, pacing with my arms crossed over my chest, thinking outloud and talking to myself...
"It's okay... Everything will work out. It'll be fine. Who am I kidding??? This woman scares the holy living CRAP out of me!"
She got here and as it turned out, I didn't have to lie, which is good because I hate lying even more than I hate being late, and I'm as bad at it as I am at dancing, which is pretty damn terrible... She was still in a good mood from Green Bay's win yesterday (yes, I'm DEAD serious)... She smiled in that "I don't have to tell you what you did wrong" way that only mothers can... I braced myself for impact by keeping a wincing expression on my face as I walked up to the car to receive my cherub in his carseat...
"I don't know what it's gonna take, but you're gonna have to get here at 7:30am from now on."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"He's already had his bottle."
Dismissed? No lecture? No yelling?
I went inside and as soon as she left the driveway, I started crying and kissing Daniel all over his little face. I don't know why the tears came. Relieved, I guess... I just couldn't deal with that this morning...
Then I'm watching television a little later, and I found myself getting all teary-eyed at commercials and old reruns of The Golden Girls... Good thing Spongebob came on (my HERO *swoon*), even if I have already seen this one. I need something lighthearted.
For those of you who are male and are thinking it's "that time of the month", you're all asses. For your info, it's not.
You know, my dad and brothers used to do that sh*t to me... I'd be falling apart from the inside out and eventually blow up and one of them would go, "Oh, F*CK!!! She's on her RAG again!!!" They did it to my mom too, "Joanne, are you on your f*cking period again?" Used to piss me off to no end. Never say that to anybody female when she's already pissed off. Especially me. You don't want the consequences, trust me... And I won't be responsible if you somehow end up neutered...
I'm tired... *yawn, sniffle Sunday 1/13/02
I am living an episode of Jerry Springer...
Okay, so this guy IMs me last night and I'm in a music chat. He's nice but kind of one of those people I just talk to when it's 4am and nobody's online...
He mentions he writes poetry, and I go to his site and read it. It's okay, but it looks very... very much like it was written by a very young person. Spelled like a fourth-grader... Used words that aren't really even words, and it all rhymes in that Dr. Suess way of "it, sh*t, spit, fit, sit", etc.
I tell him I write poems and he gets the url to my site and checks it out... He reads my poetry and loves it, says he cried and it touched him deeply and blah blah blah... I was impressed... Then he leaves and then he comes back about an hour later and sends me an IM saying something about how he wrote a new poem and it's for me...
I go to the site and read it and it's all about how much my poetry touched him and made him cry and um... It's really extremely flattering, but I attribute most of the drama of it to be due to the fact that he told me earlier that he was coming down off of a very hardcore narcotic... Then he tells me that he has a kid and a wife and he loves her very much. More blah blah blah... He goes to bed again.
I got up (from my chair, not from sleep, cuz that wouldn't be like me to sleep at night) and tried to go to church and breakfast with Kristina... Had a horrible migraine but did it anyway. And I come back home and there's this offline message for me from his wife saying that "he didn't tell you he stayed up all night on this thing instead of sleeping so he could get up in the morning and tend to his responsibilities as a father and a husband, did he? Did he tell you we have 2 children?" And I IM her back because she's still online and say I'm sorry, blah, blah, BLAH!!! and I think she's just kidding with me.
Then she says she's LEAVING him and I can HAVE him... DAMMIT! And she's SERIOUS too! I asked her 3 times. She eventually said that it wasn't my fault, but that she was tired of his shit and was gathering the kids and her stuff and getting the hell out of there.
WHY do these people pick ME? Do I have a sign on my forehead? *crosses her eyes trying to look at her forehead* If I did, one of you would tell me, right?
*GROANS FRUSTRATEDLY* I gotta go...
"He says where he's from is called Albertane. There they use more than ten percent of their brains. But you couldn't tell it from the way they behave. They run around in underwear and they never shave." Friday 1/11/02
I saw my little Hanson thing on Sabrina the Teenage Witch tonight.... For the record, I hate Melissa Joan Hart (it all started to go downhill and snowball badly when she did the Britney Spears video "Crazy"), but she was a lot more interesting when she was with Harvey... I was rather disappointed after the buildup I'd gathered for it, because Ike was the only one who had any part in the actual show. Ike's cool and all, and he did his lines and part beautifully. Maybe he could even be an actor someday, but I was hoping to see a little of my Taylor too... And that horrid redheaded whore who plays Sabrina's friend... She played Amber in Clueless, but I can't think of her name. Her character on that show is SOOOO ANNOYING! And she got to talk to Isaac... How dorky...
To add to my disappointment, the storyline sucked and at the end, it all came together the way teen shows on the WB ALWAYS do and went out with a bang that ended too soon... It ended with my lovely trio of brothers playing a song I'd never heard, with Taylor singing lead (marvelously so, I might add, as USUAL), and it was a really good song, but Nick called in the middle of it and I told Kristina when the phone rang to tell whoever it was to go to hell for the next 10 minutes of so, but she talked to him anyway... And I'd already been interrupted, so the moment was tainted (I'm that way about a lot of things, I get it from my anal-retentive father)... Then, the show ended in the middle of the song and they started the credits rolling and played advertisements for the rest of the crap shows on the WB that were to come on that night. I HATE the WB!!!
In any event, being me, I am looking on the bright side of things. At least I got to hear the little snippet, and see them for a minute or two, and Ike's a decent actor for a rockstar... And maybe now that they're doing shows and such, they'll HURRY UP WITH THE DAMN NEW ALBUM!!! LOL... I'm not impatient... I'm not obsessed... I'm RACHAEL!!! Ahem... Moving on...
I must be the only lame person online on this Friday night... Everyone else is off doing teenage things like going on dates and to parties and getting drunk and high and having sex... I don't mind so much though. Since my employment with Gordman's came to an abrupt halt after Christmas (it was only a seasonal job), I've had a lot of time on my hands that I'm not used to having. I don't care though, it's good to be able to be at your house for more than 10 hours a week and actually know what it feels like to have a home again. Before, I just came here to sleep, or try to sleep anyway.
Nick and Kristina took me to this fancy Mexican restaurant for dinner. I don't even know what it was called. Good food, but I had to put a lot of mine in a to go box because it was HUGE... The meal altogether cost about $30, and Kristina left a $15 tip. We always tip well when we go out, because I've lectured both of them on it heavily, being that I used to be a waitress and I know what it feels like to work your ass off and get stiffed by cheap-asses, and being a true hippie with the mentality of one, I feel it's my responsibility to educate the rest of the world and single-handedly make up for their shortcomings... I didn't have any money, or I would've added to it. On our way out, the waiter caught up with us and banged on the glass. We turned around and he had the money in one hand and was waving excitedly with the other and smiling really wide. *smile* I love to see stuff like that. Just feels good, I guess. And sooner or later, Karma catches up with people. I honestly believe that. So if you do good, you'll get good things in return.
*sigh*
I gotta go. I have something to finish... Thursday 1/9/02
I'm not going to say that I'm going to sleep anymore, because it's getting to be quite ridiculous... I didn't sleep at ALL last night. Shame on me... *sigh* My back hurts now... From not sleeping. I suppose I really do need a few hours of lying horizontally on some semi-flat surface each night... Maybe I'll try that even if I can't sleep. I could read or something. *shrugs* Anything would be an improvement at this point.
I think I'm going to make all these Journal entries two-toned, instead of so many different colors, because I have such a hard time trying to figure out what color to use next and what color I haven't used for a while. And then if I leave one out, I feel guilty, as though I weren't paying enough attention to that color... I truly do have issues regarding my sanity that may never be resolved. LOL...
Dearest Kate, you made a website, huh? :D I spent about an hour this afternoon rummaging through the various pages and I think it's going quite well. Even if I'm not even sure what the hell you're talking about half the time, you're good for a laugh just the same and a sweetheart as well. *smile* Even if I do call you a slagheap all the time. :D I mostly just do it because it's one of the few British slang words I know and because you know so many, I feel left out. Calling you a wanker just wouldn't do... *smile* That's more for people like Justin. (HAHA!) I think you're turning me into you. And between you being so damn British (LOL) and Jess and I having all these inside jokes, I'll be committed to the rubber room by my birthday for sure... If not arrested first. *smile* I don't mind though because you, all of my lovely and wonderful friends, are very much worth it.
Exerpts from Kate's lovely little site:
"Rachael: I met her in a Hanson chat room somewhere on Yahoo. We're getting married soon, and honeymooning in the shed. She's a good laugh, and protective of her lush Hanson, and why not indeed? Don't pick a fight with her, whatever you do!"
*smile* Yes, in the shed... Now IIII sound like a slagheap... Oh dear, I'm trailortrash AGAIN??? I showed this to Justin and he said, "That's for damn sure." *smile* Yeah... I can be quite viscious if you piss me off, but it takes a lot, and I'll give infinite chances to friends because I'm a sucker. Kate, you could never be a victim of my wrath because you are just too great to piss me off, and besides, I can't very well attack the president, can I? I'm sure it's probably illegal in one of our countries...
"Rachael: You're yet another straight-arrow, and I wish you were a fellow Saxon, because I know that you, me and Sarah and the entire gang of pinch-an-inch-holey-sockers (who we WILL gather, girlie, just you wait!) would get on like London on fire! Hey, I even like Hanson, too! Not a maniac over them, but I probably would be if they were from Harlow, so you are rather reasonable in your love/obsession/whatever."
What exactly is a "straight arrow"? I think I know, but I probably have no idea... If it is what I think it is (basically law-abiding, morally responsible person), then I suppose I am, but I wasn't always. Those days have passed though... If it means that I'm not gay, then that's true too. LOL... And if you're saying simply that I'm American, then yes, all true. Is a Saxon a person from Essex? Someday I'll go there. I promise Kate. I've always wanted to go to England anyway, even if its citizens tell me it's crap. *smile* I think I'm honestly the only person in the WORLD who likes the city she lives in... Like London on fire... :D I know you're not a Hanson maniac. I don't deny that I am. LOL... Hell, just about anything you want to say about my Hanson obsession, if it describes the degree of obsession... Crazed, maniacal, addicted... Yes, they're all true and I'll admit to every one of them without hesitation. And I know you all love me anyway, so I don't CARE!!! :D
I know this entry was more like a letter, but it's because today was EVER so very boring and I decided that this message would be too long to put in my guest book. So I put it here for all to see. *smile* I think people are actually starting to read this now. *laffs* How interesting. I don't know what I intended it for in the first place. I guess I just love writing, but why I would want to post my thoughts on the World Wide Web is an interesting question... Probably has something to do with my being an attention hog and a blabbermouth. The combination makes me crazy... *smile*
Well, I'm off to do more interesting things to this site. It's looking quite home-ish now... I think I like it. *smile* Wednesday 1/9/02
My book came today. :D The official Hanson biography. Yeah, I know... Some of you are groaning and heading toward that little x in the top-right hand corner of this page... But I don't care. :P I'm learning all sorts of things about my boys... I never knew a few things that are in there, but for the most part, I just got it to add to my collection and for the pictures because I know most of it.
Damn the man... Damn the song that reminded me of the things I didn't want to remember about the man... You know the one... The one that describes your love-gone-sour story where you cared too much and he cared too little and it tore your f*cking heart out and stomped a waffle-print into it because you're naive enough to think that everything was perfect that always seems to come on late at night when you're by yourself and he's the last thing you want to be thinking about...
Yeah... That one...
Well, screw the reminiscing... I'm past that by now, so I'm listening to Hanson and thinking about the things I read in my lovely new book a few minutes earlier... Wish Jess was here, she'd appreciate it a lot more than my mom. Yeah, I'm a lamo and I went to my parents' house tonight and showed it to her because I was bored and she was like, "Oh, they're so cute. You know, I always said that Zac was going to end up being the really handsome one when he got older..." That kind of thing... LOL... Thanks mom.
First of all, Tay's the supreme hottie... Maybe it's cuz he's closer to my age, but I don't think so cuz I've never been one to care about laws and Zac looks my age anyway. Ike is nice and all but he slightly resembles a horse... Taylor.... Mmmmmmmmmmmm.... :D But I guess the reason I showed it to her is because I was missing Jess and wishing I could share it with her, and my mom always pretends to care about almost everything, so I knew she'd at least humor me...
I stayed over there for about an hour and a half, ate dinner with them, started watching Enter the Dragon (my family has Bruce Lee issues, not to mention martial arts issues) on DVD. My dad got a DVD player for Christmas (he and my mom's gift to each other) and he's been buying new DVD's and watching one every night since. Movies were always a big deal in my house anyway. That's why when we didn't have any electricity or no gas, he'd take everything in the whole damn house to the pawn shop, but the bigscreen tv stayed. Almost 5 feet wide, projection screen and everything... Big tv... And when I lived there, they almost always watched a movie at night, during which my father would turn every light in the house off and demand absolute silence... It was like going to the movies in Nazi Germany in 1942... Talk and you DIE!!!
I'm kinda proud of him though. Two years ago, I bought him his first CD ever, Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" for Christmas. He borrowed my CD player and found the "PLAY" button, then got a really thoughtful look on his face and looked up at me. "How do you fast forward?" LOL... I almost died laughing... Told him it was off to the raisin ranch (old folks home) for him on his birthday this year for SURE... But not only did he figure out the CD player pretty quick, he got a computer the next year and at first, he had no idea what the hell he was doing, but now... He's buying parts and building onto it and trying to tell me how to fix mine and he basically built his from an old MSDOS piece of sh*t from like, '92 that my uncle gave him. And now, it's the DVD's... Even IIIII don't have a DVD player, although I do watch Nick's when he leaves it here, and I know how to work the thing. I don't trust it though. Too easily damaged, too sensitive... And I'm constantly on the defensive about the quality of VHS... Now who sounds like the old fart?
Well, I must go now. I really have to get in bed by midnight or I'm going to beat the hell out of someone, and if anymore brawls break out online between friends, I hope they claw each other's eyes out because I AM NOT IN THIS ANYMORE! Ahem... Goodnight. :D Tuesday 1/8/02
14 Days till I'm 20... Hmmm... Weirdness, but I'm not terribly excited. I don't know what I'm going to do for my birthday, and since they have been horrible for the past few years (something bad ALWAYS seems to happen to me on the day of my birthday), I'm almost tempted to just stay home and sleep through January 22nd.
I'm still miserably sick. Maybe even more so. Had an incident at the Auto Parts place that has left me wanting to drive through the store in my car and take every one of them out, but I don't do things like that because I'm a good girl, so I just sit here and bitch. Yup, that's me. I'm a pro now. I might try the managers and stuff like that, but when I came home coughing my head off from having to remove my own battery in the parking lot in 25-30 degree weather while it was dark and I'm sick, my dad tried to make some phonecalls of his own and got the runaround. I don't have the energy to explain the whole thing. Let's just say the people at O'Reilly Auto Parts were rotten bastards to me and I nearly killed myself trying to take out my car battery...
And now I'm dizzy because last night was the second time in a row that I didn't sleep at ALL and went to take care of Daniel anyway and I just don't think I can take another one. I've accomplished a lot tonight anyway. I think I can go to bed and be okay. If I can sleep through my coughing. I couldn't last night. That's why I didn't get any sleep. Oh, how awful it is to be sick. I told you I bitch professionally... I'm good.
I know it may seem like I'm in a terrible mood, but really, I'm not. I'm just so tired and not feeling well...
And now two of my friends, who shall remain nameless... One of them has started a war with the other and I've somehow become the go-between and landed myself SMACK dab in the middle... DON'T YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT I'VE BEEN SICK AND HAVEN'T SLEPT IN TWO DAYS AND I CAN'T HANDLE ALL OF THIS? I DON'T WANT TO PLAY "HE SAID, SHE SAID"! ESPECIALLY NOT NOW... AND I DON'T WANT TO BE THE CONFIDANT IF EVERYBODY'S NOT GOING TO TELL THE TRUTH!!!
You know who you are... God, if I sound harsh, I'm sorry. I just can't do this right now. I really can't. I'm going to bed. Goodnight... Sunday 1/6/02
Still really odd, that whole "02" thing... Well, I've gone ebay insane... I'm going to buy every Hanson-related item in the WORLD! I bought a shirt (Hanson) for $12.50, the singles for "Weird", "Where's the Love", and "I Will Come to You" from Germany for under 3.00 each... and then the single for the song by the 4 nonblondes, "What's Goin On?"... Nobody remembers them but me. They were an early 90s rock band with Linda Perry as their leadsinger. I used to sing that song all the time, but I didn't know it well enough to know all the words. It just takes me back to childhood and I really love the song.
I slept till 4pm today because I was up till 6am last night coughing my f*cking head off... *shakes her head* GOD I'm a MESS! I've been drinking hot lemonade (homeade by me on the stove with real lemons) and eating all sorts of soups with those lovely little goldfish crackers. I'm still disappointed that, despite the front of the box that reads "Pepperidge Farm Godlfish Baked Snack Crackers Cheddar Baked with Real Cheese", they taste nothing like cheese. Oh the tragedy of cheeseless goldfish... *shakes her head* Wow, I'm STILL reeling from it... I shall have to write the Pepperidge Farm people a letter.
Speaking of letters, those bastards at www.poetry.com sent me yet another invitation to this bogus parade for poets or whatever the hell it is. I'm getting angrier and angrier about it. And I tried to email them back, but the address it was sent from apparently doesn't exist.
See, it's a scam. They tell you to send in your poems and you can win up to 10,000, so I sent in my poems and didn't think anything of it. What did I have to lose? A month later, I get this thing in my mailbox saying they want to publish me. YAY! My dream come true... But wait... Flip the stupid thing over and there's a CATCH, as there ALWAYS is... I have to BUY the book, and if I choose not to buy it, my poem will still go into the book, but I'll never see it. How crappy is that? An organization so crappy they can't afford to send their authors a copy of the book their work is in for free? Something fishy here...
So I sent the proof back with my corrections and didn't order the book (it's f*cking $69 and only ONE of the poems in it is MINE!), and forgot about it again. About 3 months later, they send me an invitation to the parade/convention. I am ecstatic once again because naive little me thinks they want me for my skills in creative writing, not for one minute stopping to think that maybe they'd rather have what's in my wallet than what's in my soul... But after reading the invitation carefully, I understood completely.
These bastards want me to pay $500 to go to this convention, that's WITHOUT my transportation. I have to furnish my OWN transportation. And if I want to be in this contest for $10,000, I have to go to the convention. AND that's not the kicker. There's an award I am to receive. And it'll only cost me like, $19.99 for the award. Isn't that great? You don't have to be a good poet. Send the worst crap you can think of to www.poetry.com and they'll send you an award, a book with you in it, and an invitation to a convention and all of it will only make them about $800 richer! :O What a great scam! I mean DEAL... Yes, yes... "deal"...
Here's a copy of the letter I sent them back, the one that never reached its destination. I'm going to mail it US mail though. Don't think I won't. I've sent similar letters to Blockbuster (Oh, don't get me started THERE):
Dear Dr. Roberts,
I am confused as to the nature of this "poets convention"... I received an invitation last year as well and it seems to me that there is something quite patronizing about it all... Why would I want to pay $500 for a trip to Disney World or Land or whatever to participate in a parade or whatever the hell it is for poets? I prefer not to toot my own horn or pat myself on the back unless it's necessary for me to get a book deal or something similarly important, and I certainly do not wish to PAY someone else to pat me on the back unless I've EARNED it. You want me to pay YOU to put me in a contest? That MAYBE I can understand, processing fees, entry fees... but you want me to pay YOU to give me an award? I am 19 years old and do not have this kind of money for self-gratification and I think it is SICK of you to invite me. I entered your contest hoping for recognition for my artistry and maybe a little extra money for college, and what I got was acceptance into a society of scam artists who will tell me I'm as good as I always wished someone would, as long as I can pay the price. I'm not interested, not one little bit. I'm quite nauseated by the very idea of it all and I want nothing more than to be removed from your list because I do not wish to pay to be acknowledged by you. I will pay for my success, but I will pay with tears and hard work and determination, not money. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Miss Rachael Robinson
Gotta go, things to do... I'll keep you posted... Saturday 1/5/01
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASE!!!!
Had to say that before anything else. The boy is 20 today. *smile* Love ya Jase. You're my only hope for heterosexuality! LOL!!!
Car bein a bastard again today. BIG surprise. *rolls her eyes* I had to call my mom to come get me so we could go to Amy's house so I could make her blonde. Amy has long, thick hair, and only bought ONE frost kit because they were "expensive" ($7 is NOT expensive for a frost kit, by the way) and, as I suspected, their claim on the box that there was "enough mixture for longer hair" was TOTAL horsesh*t... *sigh* So we ran out in the middle, and she said to just do the best I could, so I combed it through and, in the end it looked like her hair was on fire. Close to platinum on top and at the front, melting into thinner and thinner streaks toward the ends. Strange-looking, but it looked intentional and she was okay with it. I guess that's what really matters. The little weirdo liked it, lol...
I got a call from Essex, England today. Kate, you cow... LOL... I am now the proud new member of a club of International elites. The pinch-an-inch, holy socks club. Kate is the president and Sarah and I are the first members. We are gathering our minions, but for now, due to a shortage of applicants, we are not being terribly selective. Sarah's socks don't even have holes, but beggers can't be choosers. *smile* I think she was my first International phone call, although I've voice chatted with people from all over the place.
Hmmm... Anyhow, I have to go now because my brain is threatening to come out of my ear again... I need to glue it shut or something... Friday 1/4/02
DAY 9:
Today was goodbye... It happened too quickly, and before I knew it, she was saying bye bye to Daniel and hugging Rose and Kristina and Nick. It was strange because, for some odd reason, as she packed up every tangeable evidence that she'd been here and hugged and waved, I felt as though I were leaving too...
Funny how when she gets here, time seems to have stopped for the months that she was away and within minutes, it's like she never left in the first place.
Kristina bought her a Tulsa snowglobe at Sacks Fifth Avenue in Utica Square (shopping center). It's not quite the same one Hanson has, but it's close, and she was overjoyed. She looked into the buildings as the glitter swirled around them and fell gently and there was a gleam in her eye as though the replica of my hometown held some sort of magic.
Driving to the airport, N'Sync's "Gone" came on the radio and we both laughed at the corny coincidence. I parked and helped her carry her luggage to the baggage check. Then we glided back up the escalator to the security gate.
We stalled by going into Tulsey Town, a souvenir shop full of mostly crap no Oklahoman would ever own and few would recognize. Then we walked back to the gate. I made an overdramatic, pouty face, maybe using the exaggeration to keep from crying, or to keep HER from crying, and she laughed, looked away, and told me I couldn't make that face.
"Two months." I said. "It's only two months till I visit you."
She smiled. "Yeah, two months."
We hugged. Her voice was soft and filled with emotion, muffled by my hair. "Thanks for everything..." Simple words, but I knew they encompassed a lot more than room and board.
I was stunned for a moment. I guess it never really entered my mind that I'd done anything. I mean, everything this girl touched became better because of her presence, and she'd filled my life with adventure, laughter, comfort, and smiles since the day we met, and I know it sounds corny, but despite her staying at our house, using our shower, coming with us wherever we went, I still felt like she'd done more for me than I ever could for her, and I'm a better person just for knowing her.
I mumbled something like "You're welcome." and the embrace ended. We said our goodbyes, and I watched her walk through the metal detectors and disappear into the distance.
I felt strange and empty stanind there with her out of sight, on her way back to Arizona, but then I remembered that soon, she'd be here again, and I wouldn't have to say goodbye anymore for a long time. I smiled to myself and made the long walk to the exit.
In the car, I said a little prayer for a safe flight for her back to Phoenix. I crossed myself, sighed, and turned the key. As I drove home, I looked at my city. Wide, short hills of grass. Beyond that, I could see outlines of neighborhoods and the lights of downtown Tulsa.
People who live here wonder why I love it so much. I can't say for sure. it's just home. No other place I've been to is like it. It just seems like a warm and loving friend. I see pictures of it and I see downtown from the bridge over the river and I smile. I can't explain why I love it, not in words. You'd just have to be inside my head to understand, but those three guys, the ones in the band, the ones who live here... they know... and so does a certain girl from Arizona. I saw my explanation in her eyes today, better than I could ever hope to word it. Tulsa is indeed a magic city...
To me anyway... Thursday 1/3/02
DAY 8:
I am cursed...
This morning, at 3AM, I was awakened by the sound of a car horn going off in one long unending noise. I jumped up out of bed, thinking it was my car again (mine did this last week), and ran out the front door in my pajamas, coughing my head off, only to find that it was not my car, but my mother's car making the god-awful racket at such an ungodly hour... I ran back inside, grabbed my mother's keys, ran back outside, opened the car door, pushed the horn. No relief from the horrid noise. I started the car, turned the wheel, pushed, pulled... On my last pull, the console came off to reveal two wires. I pulled one out of its plug and quiet filled my frozen ears. Lovely.
How does something like this happen to the same person not once but TWICE in the same week with TWO different CARS!?!?!?!?!?!? I don't understand... I must be cursed. I came back inside and tried my damndest to get back to sleep. I layed there, coughing, tossing, and turning, but it was all in vain. I gave up after about 20 minutes and got up. I got online and emailed a few people... Read some of a story I've been reading online, and then finally started to feel REALLY exhausted again at about 5:30, so I went back to sleep for an hour till I had to get up for work at 6:30. I went to bed last night at TEN THIRTY! This was going to be my first night of decent sleep in MONTHS and that damn demon-posessed car is out to get me... *sigh*
Jessica's last day here. *smile* Well, not quite the last one, but the last WHOLE one. She goes back tomorrow at 7:30PM :( . EVER so sad...
Today, she came to Daniel's with me (as usual) and we both fell asleep during his nap because she had gone to bed late and I'd been woke up early. *sigh* Damn demon-posessed car...
After Daniel's dad got home, we went back to my house and met up with Kristina and Nick. Then the four of us went to Taco Bueno YET AGAIN. :D Then we went back to Nick's apartment. Ray and Brandy were home...
Jess and Brandy talked last night for an hour, and Brandy gave her a few vital tips for surviving in "the group" (our little anti-clique is sounding more and more like a cult by the minute...), like, "Go to the source whenever you hear something and ask THEM..." True, very true, but kind of common sense for most people in any situation really.
Anyway, I'm glad they talked. We all (me, Jess, Kristina, Nick, Brandy, Ray, and even MOMAN) hung out tonight. At about 10, the boys left us to go do boy stuff, running around town aimlessly. Moman tried to use any excuse he could to stay a bit longer... "Can we watch The Man Show?" because he thinks Jess is cute (and who DOESN'T??? LOOK at her...) but he left with Nick and Ray anyway.
And then there were 4... We watched What Lies Beneath (Michelle Pfieffer, Harrison Ford thriller) and chatted through it. Things went beautifully and I was sad to leave in the end, but exhausted as well, so we said our goodbyes. Brandy asked me to cut her hair, which I'm looking forward to cuz I love that stuff, and we were off...
Nice night... Wednesday 1/2/02
DAY 7:
Oh dear... Even sicker today. Still cackling and straining to say simple sentences... Coughing was so bad this morning that it made me gag a few times. Cough is also starting to give me a headache and I feel as though I have to hold the side of my head and push in at the temple when I cough or my brain will come out my ear.
Stevie Bobalina (car) decided to sleep in this morning. I woke her briefly, but she just couldn't get fully awake, so I left her to rest in the driveway and called my mom for a ride.
Daniel doesn't want to eat his solids, no matter what I do, and he won't drink much formula either because his nose is so stuffed that he can't breathe with a bottle in his mouth. So my little snotface mostly had small portions of bottles off and on and half ate/half scattered mercilessly the cheerios I set on the tray on the little car he sits in. I cleaned them up on my hands and knees later, while he slept. We watched MTV and a little Spongebob.
At around 1, my mom arrived, on her lunch break. I drove her back to work and promised to pick up my sister at 4:50 from her nannying gig. I stopped at Braum's to grab lunch for Jessica, Rose and I. The service was even slower than I remembered, but I smiled and waited patiently because I used to work there and I know it's not their fault.
We watched more MTV when I got back and then Daniel went for another nap while I cleaned up the awful mess. His dad got home around 4 and we ran around for a bit before getting Danielle.
We ate at Hideaway. It's this fancy, querky pizza place on Brookside. They have the best pizza in the WORLD... I took Jess there during one of her other visits. She loves it. She says Arizona doesn't have anything like it. It just has so much character and it's so.... Tulsa. My roommate thinks it's no big deal, so we went alone, then to Wal-Mart (a favorite pastime of both of us :D) where we bought matching black fleece hats and gloves. Jess says she doesn't know what she'll do with them back home in Arizona the weather there rarely gets below 50 degrees even in the winter. She says she wishes AZ had seasons and leaves that change colors. It's hard for me to imagine a place where such things do not exist. Hard to imagine people who've only seen snow once or twice in their whole lifetime. Snow is so... pure and beautiful and evokes tons of warm memories for me. Every year with the exception of the last 2, I've had snow on my brithday. Birthday snowball fights were so much fun. I miss them.
I'm exhausted. Goodnight. *yawn* Tuesday 1/1/02
DAY 6:
I hate having to get used to a new year. Always wanting to write "01" on everything forever and having to cross it out and write "02" next to it. Then I stop in mid-scrawl to wonder where the hell "01" went, or "00" even... Just seems to have flown by and come to an abrupt halt without warning. If you can't tell, I don't do change very well.
I woke up this morning and coughed my way to the bathroom. I could tell that Rose, Kristina, and Jessica were all awake because I could hear their voices in the living room. I was almost afraid to try my voice. I drank a glass of water from the bathroom sink and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was still straight and hung down around my face the way it should because I had been too tired to wash it last night. I opened the door, splashed some more water on my face, closed my eyes for a second.
"Feeling any better?" I heard Kristina ask from the doorway. I looked up at her and shook my head, stalling using my voice for fear of what it would sound and feel like. "Worse?" She changed her question.
Now or never, I figured. I'd have to talk eventually anyway. "My throat hurts and the stuff in my lungs and nose is lovely colors." The sentence was squealy and had holes in it from where no sound had come on certain syllables. And it felt very vibrating, like a kazoo... I frowned at it, praying it would get better as the day went on (it did eventually, but not by much). I put water on the stove to boil for some tea. The tea burned going down and I silently cursed America's health care system for being too expensive for a 19-year-old, single girl living on her own to be able to afford to make a Dr. appointment.
Lots of people called. Amie, the other Amy, my sister, my mom, my dad... I squealed "Happy New Year" in my squirrel-with-emphysema voice and tried to make it quick. My mom lectured me, told me I probably have a sinus infection (I already knew that) and that she'd see if she could get one of the docs she works with to write me a prescription for an antibiotic.
Roxann called too. She's preggers... With the baby of the guy across the hall, whom she's been living with since she left her husband, Jo back in October... lol... Roxie's really not like this all the time, although I know it sounds bad. She's not that type of girl. But she's happy about the baby and so is her new boyfriend. She hasn't told Jo yet. Yikes, what a tangled web we weave. My life is like a soap opera. *smile*
I finished my phone calls, brushed my teeth, took a few assorted pills, put on my makeup and clothes, ran my fingers through my hair, and we went to Wal-Mart and dropped off film, bought cough drops and throat lozenges, and then went to the Chinese restaurant Kristina and I love.
We got Jess to try pretzels and ice cream and now she loves it. The fortunes in our cookies were very lame, even by fortune cookie standards.
We went to Kristina's mom's house, played with Daniel (he's been sick again too). I got paid, paid Kristina back. Funny how quickly money changes hands, always from mine to somebody else's, but that's the nature of it, I guess. Doesn't so much depress me anymore, just amuses me in an ironic way.
We talked about Jess moving in. Ros (Kristina's mom, Rosalyn) asked her if she'd miss her mother and if she was leaving a boyfriend (a darkly comical "no" to the 2nd question and an energetic "of COURSE" to the 1st).
Nick showed up and played with Daniel some. Then we all (sans Rose) went home and watched Jay N Silent Bob Strike Back (the final Kevin Smith movie) and I fell asleep.
I woke up to find Jess on the internet and Nick and Kristina leaving. I waved goodbye and made Jess and I hot fudge sundaes (I used to be a pro, lol). Then she called her family. When she got off the phone, we sat around, talking about how weird our families are and how unfair life is and how we still wouldn't have it (or them) any
other way. *smile*
Simple, mainly uneventful day, but "good times" indeed nonetheless (they always are when Jess is here). ;) Monday 12/31/01
DAY 5:
*smile* New Year's Eve. Brings back so many memories that range from comical to warm to embarassing to just absurd.
One year, when I was almost 17, I got extremely intoxicated (as was customary on New Year's Eve at that time in my life...) and found myself on my brother's couch, in his room, making out energetically with his best friend, Paul. *shakes her head* Dumbass. Yet another thing to add to the pile of reasons why I no longer drink alcohol.
Another year, right before I turned 18, I believe... It was going to be the year 2000 and my dad jumped all over the redneck "It's the end of the world as we know it" bandwagon. *shakes her head* Dumbass.
He bought canned goods, entire cases of lima beans, corn, green beans, spinach, asparagus. They were in at least two stacks about my height (5"6). And he bought gallons of spring water and candles, batteries, flashlights, ammo for his guns, battery-powered clock radios, and for Christmas from him, I got duffel bags and my very own flashlight and battery-powered clock radio. Just what I always, always wanted! *rolls her eyes* DUMBASS!
I stayed away from my house for most of the month of December that year. His paranoia was quite disturbing and it got to the point where every time someone said "Y2K" or "millennium" I cringed and got the urge to pull my hair out.
On New Year's Eve, I decided I couldn't take it, and when Kristina decided to throw a last-minute bash at her parents' house, I jumped at the chance to be anywhere else for that night, even if there would be "parental supervision" and no alcohol. I just didn't want to be there at midnight if there was a five-minute blackout or something and my father's paranoia turned to armed hysteria.
So I went to Kristina's and we listened to loud 70's music, pigged out, and had a "bad dancing contest" (we ALL won!). At about 11:45, Kristina came back from the living room and said, "My dad wants to know if you'll sing "Amazing Grace" at midnight while he plays."
I'd sang while her father played his electric guitar before, but it was just he, Kristina and I, and nobody could hear me that well and we were just playing around. I was a bit apprehensive about having an audience, but told myself to suck it up and sing.
So I did, and I pulled it off rather smoothly and soulfully, staring at a spot on the wall or keeping my eyes closed in heavy concentration on the song.
We went outside - Nick, Kristina, Michelle and I - and I yelled "I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!" at the top of my lungs.
We ate quite a bit of lima beans and spinach in 2000... And there were plenty of batteries for my camera and plenty of smartass comments from me: "Hey dad, remember that time the world ended?"
This year is good. *nods* Jess, Kristina, Nick, Rose and her boyfriend, Sarah and Shawn and I all goofed off and played "Moods", ate junk, watched more of the Kevin Smith movies, listened to music, and just talked. We had our own version of fun, and I hope that's the way it always is every year.
Brandy showed up at around 11 to give Kristina and I our presents. She and Ray tried to stand on the porch and then just leave. I pestered them until they agreed to come in and say hi to everyone, since she's never even actually met Jess. Despite the out-of-control rivalry that's been created for them, Jessica's smile never faltered (it rarely does anyway) and Brandy didn't miss a beat either. They said a cordial hello when I introduced them and even a "Nice to meet you" from one of them (Jess) and civil "hello"s passed between Ray and Jess. Then they had to go and, after a few snide comments from Brandy about me 'having her phone number for no reason because I never use it' (*rolls her eyes*), they were gone.
I took Sarah to the car to try my new purple, fuzzy steering wheel cover (Brandy's present) on Stevie Bobalina (my car) and we ended up out there for a long time. I explained to her the situation between Brandy and me and caught her up on all the current events (Jessica, Justin, my new job, etc) and when Rose came out to check on us, I told her that we were making out and that I was almost done.
We missed the countdown because, although we checked every channel, none of them had the time or the ball dropping or anything, even though they had always shown it and made a BIG DEAL out of it every year before. And even the number for time and temperature was busy, and all my clocks are set ahead so I won't be late (even though I STILL always am) so we had no idea. Nick finally got through on his cell phone and it was 12:04. We were all pretty miffed about it, but we called everybody into one room and did our own countdown and screamed. I kissed Jess and Rose and Kristina on the cheek and tried to get Sarah on the lips, but she laughed and I kissed her teeth. lol... We were joking about it later and I told her that her teeth had tasted wonderful and then made a funny face. *smile*
Everybody cleared out by around 1am and I found myself surprisingly exhausted. My throat hurt from coughing and my voice sounded like a 13-year-old boy going through puberty.
I welcomed sleep peacefully, although it wasn't the best sleep in the world because my coughing kept waking me up and ended up waking Jess (sleeping next to me) a few times too. Poor Jess. Poor me. Miserable night, but New Year's was fun anyway. ;) Sunday 12/30/01
DAY 4:
Today, I slept really late because I was sicker. Kristina woke me up to ask if I was going to mass and I coughed in reply. I then slept in till 2pm and we went to my family's house. Nobody was there but my mom, Danielle, and Stephen, so Jess and I watched the Hanson Christmas special because my dad had recorded it for me years ago and Jess hadn't ever seen it. Then we all watched Tulsa, Tokyo, and the Middle of Nowhere (97-98 video compilation of Hanson events, etc) and rewound and paused appropriately.
I thought my family might be a bit much for Jess, even without my rat-assassin father there, but she found them hilarious, "I like how Danielle will just be yelling all these obscenities and then the MINUTE Stephen says anything bad, your mom goes, "STEphen!!!!"" *smile*
From there, we went to Taco Bueno and had the same thing we ALWASY get. And then we went to Gordman's and tried on tons of ugly hats and shades and took pictures (coming soon) and even got Dustin (guy who always makes fun of me for liking Styx and REO Speedwagon and he's cute and in a band and I'm a little gaga for him now, lol) to try on a furry scarf and ugly hat and let us take his picture.
People kept asking if we were high. I told them that we didn't do drugs, unless we were so high that we'd forgotten about all the crack we'd smoked. *smile* We bought matching pairs of crazy-colored, striped toe socks (to help us win at Twister tomorrow night) and I got Converse Chuck Taylor AllStars socks (I LOVE Converse, ESPECIALLY Chuck Taylor AllStars, and I have a thing with socks). We talked to Dustin some more about his band and music in general (Pete Yorn, Admiral Twin, Jeff Buckley, Blind Melon, Nirvana, Ours, Styx, REO Speedwagon). Then we checked out and headed home.
Jessica was VERY upset when she came home to find that the mouse she had saved from Satan (nickname for my brother's cat, who is STILL here after over 6 months of me "just taking care of it for a couple of weeks till he can get the pet deposit for the apartment"J) earlier was lying dead on the living room floor.
This morning when I woke up , Jess said, "Rachael, Satan was trying to eat a mouse and she was running around with it in her teeth and I saved it." She held out a jar. Good thing I'm not afraid of mice, or I would've been very freaked out to open my eyes first thing in the morning and come face to face with a little mouse twitching his whiskers and blinking his beady, little pink eyes at me.
I got out of bed and we took the poor, downtrodden creature outside where I let it go near the empty house next door. We said goodbye and went back inside where our breath went back to invisible and Satan stared at us to let us know we had spoiled her fun.
Tonight, staring at the poor little thing, I was saddened although I understand that it's really just nature. I felt sorry for the thing. I'm just strange and tender-hearted that way.
Michelle came over for a while and we played "Moods" again. At one point, Michelle was laughing so hard that she wasn't making any noise and I was leaning on Jess while hacking up a lung. My throat hurts from coughing. Jess and I kept quoting parts from our Hanson video and laughing like mad, much to the confusion of Michelle and Kristina.
We have all these inside jokes now, like saying, "I'll shoot you like a rat!" because of my crazy father and his rat-hunting escapades. We're also very sarcastic and we exaggerate. Sometimes even WE don't know what the HELL we're talking about anymore, but we keep going anyway. *smile*
Hard to believe we first met almost a year ago in a Hanson chat on Yahoo. So much has happened since then and now she's going to LIVE here...
Brandy found out about that one. She was not nearly as overjoyed as I was. I wasn't there when Ray told her, but she wasn't happy, and now everybody keeps saying, "since you and Brandy aren't friends anymore..." and I'm just like, "Huh? Was I asleep or abducted by aliens while all of this was going on?" Michelle told me Brandy doesn't know what she did wrong and I told her I didn't either. I think everybody's just been feeding this imaginary fight we're having and now something has emerged from nothing.
I should probably explain why Brandy wasn't happy about Jess moving in because, right now it sounds like they hate each other and there's gonna be a cat-fight soon. Not the case.
Brandy has been wanting to live with us (well, ME, anyway) since I was 16. Due to circumstances at home, when I turned 18, I had to pick the quickest route out and went w/Kristina. Kristina's mom would not allow Brandy to move in with us (she's our Landlord) because she knew of the rivalry between Kristina and Brandy. And Kristina didn't want Brandy to live with us because she thought it would be like one long, drawn-out highschool fight for my attention because they're both my best friends and don't really get along separately.
A few years later, I live with Kristina, Brandy lives with Ray, but the sitch is only because she totalled her car and needs a place to get back up on her feet now.
Jessica came into our lives. We both adore her and the 3 of us get along wonderfully. Jess LOVES Tulsa, loves us, loves how she feels when she's here. We toyed with the idea and finally decided that she's moving in this summer, for real. We've decided how to do the move, the bedroom/bed arrangements, everything.
It's not that I was hiding this from Brandy. I wanted to tell her, but couldn't find a right time to bring it up. She acts like I'm such a horrible friend to her and it tears at my heartstrings because I'm really trying so hard sometimes... If I brought it up out of nowhere, I was afraid she'd think I was doing it to spite her or that she'd resent me for being so nonchalant when obviously, it IS a bigger deal than that. Either way, I win AND lose a little, so I simply have to weigh the consequences of each action and do what's best for all concerned. I believe I've done that, to the best of my ability. I hate having to be so grown-up about such a terribly adolescent little spat.
Gotta go. Cutting Anna's hair tomorrow and getting ready for our "New Year's Eve Dork Fest Countdown". Can't wait. Playing Twister in toe socks. What more could 10 people in their late teens/early 20's want out of life? *smiles and blows goodnight kisses* Saturday 12/29/01
DAY 3:
Today, we were lazy bums. Jess slept till about 1pm and I woke up shortly after she finished getting dressed and doing her hair and makeup in the bathroom. Kristina and Nick showed up at about 3pm and we laid on my bed for about half an hour (Nick, Kristina, Jessica, and I) and tried to decide what to do.
Someone suggested going to Woodland Hills Mall (the death mall). I protested strongly. I hate that mall. I'm only just recently coming to terms with malls in general and getting to where I can shop at certain stores of Promenade Mall (not as far into the southern rich, snotty district of Tulsa) without having an "episode". I truly despise the Mall of Doom because it is the embodiment of everything stereotypically horrible about malls. People age 13-25 EVERYWHERE, wearing and buying Abercrombie, The GAP, DEB, The Limited, Anchor Blue... Keep in mind that 3 years ago, I was the kind of person who religiously AVOIDED anything trendy, esp MALLS and overpriced stores full of prissy or overrated brand-name clothes. I've come to terms and reached an understanding about a lot of things I used to loathe, but Woodland Hills Mall is NOT one of them.
These people come from pods, I SWEAR... They are all giggling girls size 0-6 who think that "Legally Blonde is the coolest movie EVER and Joan Jett's " I Love Rock and Roll" is a chick empowering song." (Britney Spears ACTUALLY said the part about the Joan Jett song, which was ORIGINALLY written by a MAN, but she's a stupid whore who doesn't even bother to RESEARCH a song before she WARPS and BUTCHERS it to sh*t!) and then there are the guys who all wear sweaters and Tommy Hilfiger gear and stare you up and down.
I once ran screaming from that mall when I was 16. Maybe I was being a BIT melodramatic, but these two Barbie-look-alikes came bouncing toward me in color-coordinated skirts and jackets, their heads bobbing up and down as they jabbered on and on about something terribly important in the Barbie World that surrounded me. I just snapped. In the crowded food court, I felt so smothered and stifled by the commercialism, the materialism, the superficialness of it all... I screamed. People stared. Their faces all looked so ugly to me at the time. I covered my ears and ran past the Barbie twins and out the front door.
I just couldn't take it. I was starting to feel emotionally and physically crowded by these people and the atmosphere. I'm better now, 3 years later, but I still avoid it unless I HAVE to go. Today, I was NOT in the mood. I was feeling nauseated, congested, and had the early signs of a migraine creeping up the side of my head. But I reluctantly agreed because they were so dead-set on it and took some tylenol and hopped into Nick's Blazer. We went to Bennigan's (Irish restaurant) for dinner before the mall... I was feeling slightly better with some food in my stomach and grabbed Jess for emotional support on the way inside the mall...
We walked around for maybe an hour and didn't have to go into any really awful stores because Jess and Kristina don't like The GAP or Abercrombie either. We went into The Icing and I bought some new eaerrings and we bought this psycho board game called "Moods." We went home and played it.
Basically, the fun thing is that you get a card with a phrase on it and you have to say the phrase in a certain mood. Jessica had to say, "Are you naked?" in a flirtatious way and I had to say "I have a thing for toes." in a hopeful mood and, "Are those REAL handcuffs?" threateningly. *smile* Needless to say, we had much more fun with it than anyone could ever expect for 3 people playing a board game.
Kristina took some pictures of us with her extremely expensive new camera in my bed. I'll put some of them up here somewhere eventually. Gotta go... Bedtime... Friday 12/28/01
DAY 2:
*smile* Today, we haven't almost died anymore... that I can remember... *thinks* Nope. But we did have an incident in the Wal-Mart lingerie department that resulted in the three of us (me, Kristina, and Jessica) on the floor laughing so hard that our stomachs are now sore...
We were walking through, looking at pajamas, and one of us (I don't remember which) noticed the underwear and we started holding up various pairs and giggling at them. There was one with fringe and some with sequins... And we were just being sarcastic and crazy and I was like, "One simply canNOT have ENOUGH undergarments with SEQUINS on them..." And then I got this bright idea... *smile* I grinned and grabbed a pair of lacy hot pink thong underwear, removed the hanger, and stepped my feet through them. I slipped them on OVER my flared kahkis and modeled them for Jess and Kristina. "Look! I'm Britney Spears! Don't I look JUST LIKE HER?" Apparently, I shouldn't say such things while wearing pink thong underwear on the outside of my clothes because next thing I know, Jessica is on the floor in a fetal position, holding her stomach and struggling to breathe. And Kristina is holding onto a shelf for support and gasping and holding her legs together so as not to pee on herself... In a matter of seconds, we were all three on the floor and I was howling "IT HURTS! IT HURTS!" and rocking back and forth on my side.
An associate came over and looked at us with concern, "You three are having entirely TOO much fun." IS there such a thing? I think not, especially when Jessica and Kristina and I are involved. Definitely not.
We saw The Majestic at Starworld 20 in Bixby, which is where Hanson was rumored to have seen Lord of the Rings last week (I know they saw it because it's on their site, I just don't know when and what theater). They are in town for the holidays so Jessica and I keep saying we're going to get arrested for stalking. *smile* I was singing, "A stalking we will go, a stalking we will go..." and saying "Be vewwy, vewwy quiet, I'm hunting Hansons..." Then Jessica would say, "We're not stalking, we're 'following from a respectable distance'" with a look of hilarious mock-seriousness and then say, "which is TOTALLY different from stalking." Sadly, there were no Hanson sitings at the Starworld 20 this evening, but The Majestic (Jim Carrey) was really good. I cried during his speech about 1st Ammendment rights and started a tiny chorus of clapping, and a lady kept turning around to give me dirty looks for laughing with Jessica at things only she and I would find funny because of how much cooler we are than that lady and the other laughless people in the theater.
We got home and decided to order pizza. I dyed my hair (a slightly darker chocolate brown) and we listened to Hanson while we ate. Then the cat puked on the sofa and I had to clean it up. Poor kittie. I think she was drinking some orange juice that was in a cup on the counter, which is bad, bad, bad for kitties. But she'll live. I gave her some water and food and hopefully it will dillute and calm the citric acid in the juice.
Right now Jess is asleep in bed because her cold medicine has knocked her out cold (poor Jess is kinda sick and so am I) with both of my pillows... I have to sleep with the icky cat pillow. The one Meow Cow and Satan sleep on when I'm not home, which is bad because I'm allergic, but that's okay. I'd lick both of my cats bald for Jess. She's just THAT cool. *smile* More as the story develops (tomorrow, lol).... Thursday 12/27/01
DAY 1:
LOL... Jess hasn't even been here a whole day and already we've almost died TWICE! *smile*
First, on the way to the airport, I was commenting to my roommate how I had to push the brakes to the floor now to stop, and that it didn't make any sense because I had the maintenence records for the car from the guy I bought it from, and inside that folder was a detailed invoice from a well-known repair place for new rotors and brake pads... I was easing off the highway, coming down the offramp at about 45 - 50 mph, and I put the brakes on gently to slow the car down, only... nothing happened. :O The brakes paid no attention to my repeated pumping and screaming. Finally, in reply to my alarmed yelps of, "I HAVE NO BRAKES! I HAVE NO BRAKES!" my roommate ingeniously yelled, "USE THE EMERGENCY THINGIE!!!!"
I looked down and pushed the pedal closest to the door that read "emergency" in small white letters. The car slowed to a stop at the intersection. I breathed... Thank GOODNESS for emergency thingies...
We got to the airport alive, although when the lady stopped us to search the car (they're doing that to EVERYBODY now), the emergency brakes squealed really really loud and she gave me a funny look. I was afraid I was going to get arrested.
Jess arrived in one piece just as I was on the phone giving my little brother a message about my brakes, and she hugged Kristina first, since I was on the phone, and then when I got off, I hugged her and told her why I was on the phone. She gasped, but nothing really shocks us anymore because of all the life-threatening, death-defying stunts we've been through together... *smile*
I maneuvered the car out of the parking spot with little difficulty, putting the brake on again every few inches, and we giggled all the way at the irony and danger of the situation. I overshot the booth where you hand the lady your stub on the way out because the car was not obeying the emergency brake very well either, and Kristina had to give her the stub from the back seat window... *shakes her head*
I bought brake fluid and a nice man stopped to help us and opened the hood (Jessica informs me that they don't do that in Arizona, and I hear Tulsa is just about the only place where people do stop anymore) and looked at my brake fluid for me. I put some more in, and I have brakes again, but I have a leak, so I keep having to check it.
On the highway on the way to my parents' house to show my dad the stupid brake problem, traffic was bad, and I had to get over, but there was no room. I put my signal on and started to make my way over toward my exit, and the car next to me sped up and matched my speed so I couldn't get over. Finally, I got ahead of him and swerved over, only to find that he sped up more as I was getting over and the people in front of me had stopped ahead... I slammed on the brakes. They work now. *smile* They REALLY work now. For about five minutes, I was unsure as to whether the car behind me had hit me, but when I got the image of it perfectly unharmed in my rearview mirror, I felt better and breathed in again...
We got everything looked at and got the diagnosis from my dad. Then we went home and waited for Nick to get there to take us to get something to eat. We went to Taco Bueno because they don't have them in Arizona, and Jess LOVES them, so we take her all the time when she's in town. Then we went to Nick's apartment cuz she's never seen it. Last time she was in town, he still lived with his parents.
We've been going crazy since she got here, talking about things as though she never left, but I guess she never really did because I've felt as though she was here because we talk every day online. I really love having her here though. She makes me laugh so hard... *smile* And it just feels so good to connect with someone and to have our own little world where I am Queen of Dorks and she is the Dork Princess and we can do whatever we want and say whatever we want and don't care. *grins toothily* I just love her oodles and gobs, love her to bits... :D |
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